An Ode to the Days When I’m “Not Enough”

“Cranberry Woods” candle flickering its dance and of course, warm Colectivo coffee brewing its familiar tunes of percolation. However, it is not the wee hours of the morning in which I am siting down to this ever-pleasant routine.

It’s literally 4:18pm.

Yes, folks, I did it. I TOOK A HALF DAY. WHAT IN TARNATION.

I used to experience soooooooo much guilt for taking any time whatsoever for myself. I used to have those voices in my head telling me “you SHOULD be doing this”, followed by “what will people possibly think if you slow down at all?”, with the grand finale of “God forbid, who would you BE without this constant state of busyness?”

Not gonna lie, those voices are still there sometimes. I even caught a glimpse of them today. However, I am giving those voices a firm kick to the curb today as I take some quiet time for my spirit-not to mention for my sanity.

Ah, the lives of those who work in emotionally draining work. I feel you. I’m in the trenches with you. Let’s not assume we are immune to fatigue and need for some tender love and care, Kay?

Anywho, I’m rambling.

Do you ever feel like you are so many people at once? I don’t mean literally folks, but honestly: do you ever feel like you are trying to wear so many hats and play so many roles that you just don’t know if each of the roles are getting what they need or deserve?

I ran into this predicament yesterday evening. I’m in my car, finally dragging my butt back from the office after a near 11-hour day. 11 hours straight of being extremely emotionally present with those who have gone through the most traumatic of experiences imaginable. Rewarding work, I mean it. But goodness, does it do a number on the emotional energy. I was settling into the drivers seat and having sweet visions of sweats, wine, puppy cuddles, and SLEEP when I glance over at my phone. It’s a text from a dear friend of mine reading “”Can you call me on your way home tonight?”

Normally I’d have no problem zipping on the interstate and picking up the phone for some good girl gab, but I knew this particular friend was looking for intense emotional support as she struggles through a season of intense emotionality, pain, and trauma. My goodness, my heart goes out to this sweet person. And I want nothing more than to be there for her in any way I can.

However, last night, I just couldn’t do it. I know the intensity of need this friend is experiencing right now, and while there is absolutely nothing wrong with this need, after 11 hours of trying to hold people up emotionally, I was absolutely spent. And I didn’t even feel like I could make it through another conversation involving intense emotional turmoil and someone else needing something from me.

mental-illness-exhausted

Gosh, this sounds so awful typing it out like this. It sounded so awful when it entered my mind, too.

But essentially, what this exemplified was the reality of our common humanity. We are limited. We are going to disappoint people because we are limited.   There are literally some days where there is just no way around it. My capacity at that time did not match that person’s needs or desires from me. Did that mean I was wrong? No. Did that mean my needs or limits weren’t important? No. It was a classic example that we-while we walk this earth-do NOT have an unlimited supply of physical and emotional resources. Once they are out, they are OUT until we begin to replenish our selves in these areas of functioning .

Oftentimes, we find ourselves yielding to the desires and needs of others from us, completely neglecting our own limits and needs as if they were wrong. As if our needs and limits HAVE to match others’ needs and desires from us.

Come on guys, I can’t possibly be the only one who falls into this trap.

Please keep this sentiment in your hearts, sweet ones. I by this, mean no offense: We are not going to be enough for everyone. Only Jesus is enough for everyone. We do not need to place ourselves into a position where we take on a role of being unshakeable, unbreakable. We are not everyone’s solution and certainly not everyone’s Savior. And what that means is there are going to be days where we just can’t, for whatever reason, And that’s being a human.

It doesn’t mean we are selfish. It means we are aware of our commonly flawed state of existence.

There are days where the Lord leads us straight into the storm so He can show us His great arm. But just as well, there are days where he intentionally and deliberately makes us lie down in green pastures, leading us beside quiet waters to restore our soul.

Do not mistake restoration for selfishness. He, in fact, leads us otherwise.

Stay tuned,

-AF.

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