All of the Feels: The New “Coziness of the Soul”

This may or may not be a buzz word floating around the internet and verbal atmosphere (sometimes I’m out of the loop and people ask me if I live under a rock-so be it): the Danish practice of hygge. Apparently, when it comes to relaxation, the Danes know it best! While there is no literal English translation, this term is identified as “the coziness of the soul”, or a general state of “wellness” or “togetherness”, and is emphasized as a lifestyle practice that centers around stillness, soothing, self-care, and pleasure.

I can get behind that.

This practice is even rooted in the idea that Danish culture occupies some of the most fulfilled and pleasant people in modern day culture, and much of this consistent mood boost is attributed to this sacred lifestyle and practice (guys, there’s like actual studies on this).  Taking pleasure in simplicity and enjoying and savoring those sweet moments of life is what you will find in this endearing practice. It centers around the idea that in order to give comfort and breathe life into the world and relationships, we must be soothed and comforted ourselves: not just when we are in “burn out-shut ourselves in our room and bite the head off of anyone who speaks to us” mode, but as an intentional, daily lifestyle that is to be cultivated and nurtured. Some of these elements of hygge surprised me greatly, as they seem so simple and easy to implement! But how often in American we find ourselves taking these things for granted, or not truly recognizing the impact of what these small changes may have on us? I’ll tell you one thing, I certainly do notice an impact when these elements are NOT present in my life. Hygge was a concept that was especially emphasized during the more harsh weather months (um….what a more perfect time to implement some of these than now?), but is encouraged to be practiced year-round, and more importantly, daily.  Here are some practices of hygge that I came across and am truly in love with:

  • Invest in some soothing candles: You all know that I am all about those sweet scents. But even more than that, abiding by the illumination that these candles produce can instill a natural calming effect, both through reminding us of our humble “smallness” as well as setting the tone for slow conversations and tender moments. It has even been said that the simplicity of one single lit candle is one of the most fundamental hygge moments of achieve.

 

  • Update to cozy lounge-wear: who doesn’t look forward to taking off the skirt and heels and slipping into a cozy pair of sweats after a long day? But taking this one step further, hygge suggests for us to think deliberately about our lounge-wear: is it as warm and comfy as it can be? is it old and really shouldn’t be held onto any longer (preach)? Is there any way to add an element (fuzzy socks, cozy robe, etc) that can make this attire even more soothing to the body? Additionally (and I’m SO guilty of this); BUY A REAL PAIR OF PAJAMAS. Do not sleep in your yoga pants or sweats (boo): have a specific set of sleepwear that treats your body well and sends your mind and body the message that it is time to transition into slumber.

 

  • Take up a new hobby: hygge emphasizes something soothing or busy for the hands that also creates and opportunity to learn something new. And as hygge tradition, this can also be a social event! Gathering is something emphasized in the hygge practice, in order to share this experience or as a time set apart to lift each other up and encourage one another in intentional living.

 

  • Stock a self-care kit: having a set collection of materials that assist you in facilitating the art of self-care produces even more motivation to use self-care on the daily. My fave tip for this is creating a sensory soothing kit: one item for each sense that allows you to soothe. Examples-pictures of fond memories, essential oils, specific aromatherapy lotions or face masks, specific soundtrack of music or soothing tones, herbal teas or small treats like delectable chocolates, warm blankets. Stash this away somewhere where you can always access it (I even encourage creating two and having one you can travel with or keep in your car!).

 

  • Slow down: Yeah right, but seriously. More recently, some of my most fond moments have been savoring the simple and slow moments life has to offer me and those around me. Even if its doing a media fast one day per week, setting up unscheduled blocks of time in your schedule to be spontaneous, having eyeball to eyeball contact daily with those you do life with, this skill is so important. Truth be told, it’s something that I am even still working on (we’re in this together!). Moral of the story: the simple moments demand for us to slow down and take in what is within our immediate vicinity. When we’re able to do that, we’re able to cultivate the most refreshing kind of connectiveness, and gratitude breeds out of that place into our lungs.

hygge

So, how do you “hygge”? What have been some elements of this practice that are most essential to you? Or, which elements are you motivated to implement into your own lifestyle?

Stay cozy friends, and as always, stay tuned,

-AF

Advertisements

An Ode to the Days When I’m “Not Enough”

“Cranberry Woods” candle flickering its dance and of course, warm Colectivo coffee brewing its familiar tunes of percolation. However, it is not the wee hours of the morning in which I am siting down to this ever-pleasant routine.

It’s literally 4:18pm.

Yes, folks, I did it. I TOOK A HALF DAY. WHAT IN TARNATION.

I used to experience soooooooo much guilt for taking any time whatsoever for myself. I used to have those voices in my head telling me “you SHOULD be doing this”, followed by “what will people possibly think if you slow down at all?”, with the grand finale of “God forbid, who would you BE without this constant state of busyness?”

Not gonna lie, those voices are still there sometimes. I even caught a glimpse of them today. However, I am giving those voices a firm kick to the curb today as I take some quiet time for my spirit-not to mention for my sanity.

Ah, the lives of those who work in emotionally draining work. I feel you. I’m in the trenches with you. Let’s not assume we are immune to fatigue and need for some tender love and care, Kay?

Anywho, I’m rambling.

Do you ever feel like you are so many people at once? I don’t mean literally folks, but honestly: do you ever feel like you are trying to wear so many hats and play so many roles that you just don’t know if each of the roles are getting what they need or deserve?

I ran into this predicament yesterday evening. I’m in my car, finally dragging my butt back from the office after a near 11-hour day. 11 hours straight of being extremely emotionally present with those who have gone through the most traumatic of experiences imaginable. Rewarding work, I mean it. But goodness, does it do a number on the emotional energy. I was settling into the drivers seat and having sweet visions of sweats, wine, puppy cuddles, and SLEEP when I glance over at my phone. It’s a text from a dear friend of mine reading “”Can you call me on your way home tonight?”

Normally I’d have no problem zipping on the interstate and picking up the phone for some good girl gab, but I knew this particular friend was looking for intense emotional support as she struggles through a season of intense emotionality, pain, and trauma. My goodness, my heart goes out to this sweet person. And I want nothing more than to be there for her in any way I can.

However, last night, I just couldn’t do it. I know the intensity of need this friend is experiencing right now, and while there is absolutely nothing wrong with this need, after 11 hours of trying to hold people up emotionally, I was absolutely spent. And I didn’t even feel like I could make it through another conversation involving intense emotional turmoil and someone else needing something from me.

mental-illness-exhausted

Gosh, this sounds so awful typing it out like this. It sounded so awful when it entered my mind, too.

But essentially, what this exemplified was the reality of our common humanity. We are limited. We are going to disappoint people because we are limited.   There are literally some days where there is just no way around it. My capacity at that time did not match that person’s needs or desires from me. Did that mean I was wrong? No. Did that mean my needs or limits weren’t important? No. It was a classic example that we-while we walk this earth-do NOT have an unlimited supply of physical and emotional resources. Once they are out, they are OUT until we begin to replenish our selves in these areas of functioning .

Oftentimes, we find ourselves yielding to the desires and needs of others from us, completely neglecting our own limits and needs as if they were wrong. As if our needs and limits HAVE to match others’ needs and desires from us.

Come on guys, I can’t possibly be the only one who falls into this trap.

Please keep this sentiment in your hearts, sweet ones. I by this, mean no offense: We are not going to be enough for everyone. Only Jesus is enough for everyone. We do not need to place ourselves into a position where we take on a role of being unshakeable, unbreakable. We are not everyone’s solution and certainly not everyone’s Savior. And what that means is there are going to be days where we just can’t, for whatever reason, And that’s being a human.

It doesn’t mean we are selfish. It means we are aware of our commonly flawed state of existence.

There are days where the Lord leads us straight into the storm so He can show us His great arm. But just as well, there are days where he intentionally and deliberately makes us lie down in green pastures, leading us beside quiet waters to restore our soul.

Do not mistake restoration for selfishness. He, in fact, leads us otherwise.

Stay tuned,

-AF.

Savoring the Slow Moments: A real-life Paradox

I’m a multi-tasker. I also don’t believe in multi-tasking. I am a conundrum in itself regarding this topic.

I get that butterflies-in-the-tummy feeling when I can do so many things at once. Like Friday, when I was able to put away the groceries, stir the cookie batter, preheat the oven, get an additional meal in the crockpot, check the traffic for the evening obligation, all while trying to keep the dog corralled and off the counter from snatching food every 3 seconds. Boom, roasted. In those moments where I can zip through tasks as fast as you can say “macarena”, I tend to take on a feeling of accomplishment, capacity, strength. There’s something about it that energizes and motivates me at the same time.

At the end of the same breath, I am the first one to say “Multitasking is impossible! It is literally your brain switching from multiple tasks back and forth very quickly, with an inability to be fully present and engaged in each task!” Oh, how truly educated and hypocritical I sound. Thank you, dear readers, for sticking with me.

However, in this season of life there has been a shift. I am finding myself more and more taking increased stock in the slower moments; those moments that are less planned and more organic, the moments that allow for breathing room rather than a cram session, those moments that allow for meaningful connection to those I surround myself with daily, but sometimes struggle with that eyeball-to-eyeball contact that I love oh so much.

Those that know me well would react in this fashion:  “Huh? That isn’t you. Are you feeling okay? Do you need to tell me something?”

Oy vey.

Needless to say, slowing down and finding beauty in the slow moments is not something that comes very naturally to me. I’m the type of person that becomes irritated if someone takes to long to respond to my question, let alone allow for breathing room and silence on purpose. However, some of my most favorite recent memories have happened in the form of slow moments:

  • Going for coffee with a novel in hand and having absolutely no plan of when to return to the house
  • Crafting a beautiful and tasty brunch, sitting at the table with coffee and said brunch (and placemats people, placemats!), without interruption or talk of what is happening within the next few hours while gathering around the table
  • Going to an evening worship service without needing to be “on” in the form of contributing musically or having to be detail oriented for the service
  • Dinners with multiple courses in the form of salads, mains, and desserts without thinking twice about what time this might be cutting into
  • Blocking off an evening to be spontaneous (also, what’s that?)

Moments that used to seem like time-wasters are now seeming like time-enhancers. More than that, they are seeming essential, like breath into the schedule allowing space into the mind and the soul to be filled with what the hectic nature of this life cannot give us.

image.img

Most significantly, God tends to reveal Himself to us in the silence rather than in the screams of this universe. We do in fact need to exchange whispers with Him before going out and immersing ourselves in the noise this world has to offer us.

Who would have thought?

Stay tuned,

-AF.

Gather Around the Table

If there is anything my grandmother has taught me, it’s that people LOVE food.

My grandma is a 96-year old spitfire of an Italian woman with a knack for cuisine. I remember from a young age, wearing an apron approximately 6 sizes too large from me, standing from my vantage point and staring up at this woman who could whisk, chop, marinate, and tend to a cornucopia of food items at once and create them into a masterpiece. At that age, I could barely stir batter without spilling it all over our tile floor. Oops.

I remember the days leading up to holidays, baking torcheniels and patzel cookies with opera in the background, and slowly savoring the cooking smells as well as sacred time in the kitchen with my grandmother. During breaks, we would dance and spin like no other, and she would admire my 5-year old singing with joy in her eyes, clapping her hands together and asking for an encore. Those are memories I pray to give my children one day. Some day.

With young ears and eyes, I clung to the words of  “You will be ready to get married once you are able to have every item that makes up a meal be done and on the table at the same time”.

Dang it grandma, I’m still working on that one.

Moral of the story: My favorite room in the home is the kitchen. I also consider myself having the spirit of a grandmother: one who wants to nourish others with food, encouragement, spinning and dancing, joy in the eyes and clapping, begging for an encore.

If I’m a fraction of the woman she is, I’d be humbly grateful.

I’ve taken on a traditional love of food, company, and gathering. I consider myself an amateur chef (or one that is REALLY good at a set list of simple items 😉 ), but nothing brings me joy quite like gathering people into my home around the table, uncorking a bottle of wine while the food marinates its final moments on the stove, and encouraging my loved ones to “sit down, forget the cares and worries of the day, and make yourself at home”. I just love to love on people that way. It brings me a sense of capacity, nurturance, and simplicity that I truly seek during the hustle and bustle of what this world calls “living”. I thank my grandmother for passing down this love affair with the kitchen and the table, and have seen the table serve as such a beautiful artifact for connection and warmth.

I can remember my best and most intimate conversations with others happening over a warm cup of coffee, hands cupped around mugs and enveloping one another in secrets, hopes, pains, and compassions. I hold fondly my most encouraging words shared amongst friends while passing around heaping bowls of mashed potatoes, digging into savory plates of chicken parmesan, and laughing over spilt green beans almondine. I remember my most painful and bittersweet conversations happening over half-finished glasses of wine, with the candle at its last flicker and flame, while being held by someone who wished they could take my pain away from me, with all of their might.

All of my most deep, most intimate, most memorable moments in conversations involve gathering around the table.

idtexxxfs44-brooke-lark

So naturally, when my husband and I moved into our first place together, I made it my mission to find a large, oaky, worn, ready to be lived-in table.

It’s now at this very table that my husband and I shared our first meal together in our home as husband and wife. It’s at that oaky table that we made the decision for hubs to switch jobs and be closer to home. It’s at that distressed table that we gathered those closest to our hearts and filled them with nutrients and love. It’s at that very table that I sat and drank wine after my husband and I’s first argument as husband and wife, cherishing the fact that he has a true heart of forgiveness. It’s at our sacred table that we fold our hands in prayer and bow our heads in gratitude to our Maker and Redeemer.

And it will be at this very table where laughter, encouragement, heartbreak, compassion, and green beans almondine will be shared in abundance with one another.

I wish I could have each and every one of you have the ability to be seated at this table, to receive the food that’s prepped, and to have someone in eyeball-to-eyeball connection with you and speak compassion and authenticity to your heart. And to have your compassion and authenticity be received.

image386126722-3965-37c6c079040e2522184888c444e63c20@1x

Until then, don’t underestimate the power of a table with four legs, pasta overflowing, aprons 6 sizes too big, and spinning and dancing in the kitchen. The simple joys in life.

 

Stay tuned,

-AF

Don’t call me crazy: Why I don’t set New Year’s Resolutions

It’s that time of year again, dears—the ringing in of the New Year! For many people, the New Year marks a time for a fresh start, a “clean slate,” and the opportunity to make some changes in the days to come. But how often do we find ourselves extremely motivated and eager at the idea of this venture, but struggle to carry out these changes on a consistent basis, let alone for very long?

happy-new-year-realistic-new-years-resolutions-to-get-healthier-and-wealthier-in-2018.jpg

I call this the “New Year’s Resolution Syndrome” (OK, so it’s not TRULY an official name, but let me explain!).

We tend to see the New Year in the way that I just described above. While this view is not false or negative, it does not take into account the HOW factor: how we will plan to maintain our new positive habits or new perspectives once the luster of the “New Year” wears off. We become giddy with idea of all the bright and shiny new habits we can begin to form, and we look at the year as a whole while setting monumental (and oftentimes overly lofty) goals for ourselves. And once the sparkle wears off, it can leave us feeling unmotivated and defeated. We’ve all seen this before—how great we are doing in January! And then once the middle of February rolls around…we struggle, start to fall off of the “resolutions horse,” and lose sight of what we set out to do in the first place.

This happens because we can unintentionally set ourselves up for a few common mishaps:

  • Setting a goal without breaking down the steps of how we will go about achieving it
  • Setting large goals without breaking down smaller goal “milestones” in order to keep us on track
  • Seeing the “big picture” without seeing the various components of the “journey”
  • Using “New Year’s Resolution” time as the only time we set goals for ourselves
  • Not focusing enough on the “why” behind our goal

We tend to do these things without even realizing—because goal-setting is positive, right? What we tend to overlook is the fact that sometimes we set goals in which we actually inhibit ourselves instead of empower ourselves. Goal-setting is a tricky science, but luckily there are positive methods for goal-setting that have the power to empower, increasing the likelihood of sticking to goals, which makes change more likely to be successful.

goalsettingsuccess

Let’s bust through some of these goal-setting myths that tend to center around New Year’s Resolutions:

  • Setting a goal without breaking down the steps of how we will go about achieving it. This tends to happen when we become very excited around New Year’s, but what we fail to do is further examine the HOW factor. While I’m definitely not knocking enthusiasm, the HOW is equally as important.

Instead, try this: Remember to ask yourself, “Do I know what it will take to work toward this goal? What other changes might I need to make as a result of this intended change? How will I fit creating these habits into my schedule?” It may be helpful to write these down as they are important factors of goal success! Remembering the HOW will aid the goal into coming into fruition.

  • Setting large goals without breaking down smaller goal “milestones” in order to keep us on track. While I agree with the statement that you need to have a clear idea of where you are going in order to be able to guide yourself toward your goal destination, when we forget to keep track of the mile-markers along the way, we sometimes veer off of our goal path and into a ditch of disaster! Focusing only on the end of the goal (or the completion state of the goal) will not be enough.

Instead, try this: Think of your goal-setting process as creating a roadmap. Just like on road trips, you have to plan to make those necessary stops along the way in addition to your final destination. Breaking down your goal destination into smaller steps helps your goal seem more manageable. It will also prompt action in order to reach smaller steps that compile into your goal. This method helps keep the motivation going, and gives you opportunities to celebrate the smaller successes in order to keep you on track and keep the motivation flowing (even when the New Year’s hype wears off)!

  • Seeing the “big picture” without seeing various components of the “journey.” This is very similar to the points above. When we only have our “end point” in sight, the journey or the smaller successes can be overlooked, and we tend to miss out on the enjoyment of working toward our goals.

Instead, try this: Don’t allow yourself to miss out on the blessings that are in the journey! While it is a wonderful feeling to accomplish the end stage of your goals, there is beauty in the transitions, the growth, and the journey. Allow yourself to embrace the steps along the way, and reflect on the changes you are not only seeing but feeling as a result of all your hard work. Don’t forget to praise yourself for the smaller victories!

  • Using “New Year’s Resolution” time as the only time we set goals for ourselves. Out of all of these goal-setting myths, this one may be the most ironic. It passes under our radar because we view goal-setting in general as positive. However, when we center on New Year’s as the only (or most monumental) time for goal-setting, we place ourselves in a situation that is hard to live up to. In addition, once the hype wears off, so can our goal-work and motivation.

Instead, try this: Try making a habit of employing goal-setting at various times during the year. This can be on a monthly, or even weekly, basis. In this sense, we create a habit and (just as importantly) a mindset of goal-setting that can carry through the entire year. In utilizing this technique, we create more opportunities for success, constant reflection, and re-evaluation of our mindset and habits, along with opportunities to see our work pay off and our motivation to hold steady. Don’t be afraid to scale back the “New Year’s Resolutions” to monthly goal guideposts in order to further prompt your growth and dedication!

  • Not focusing enough on the “why” behind our goal. It’s difficult to stay motivated, energized, and dedicated toward a cause unless we know the purpose behind our activity. We tend to make our main motivator behind setting New Year’s Resolutions as “Because it’s the New Year! I want a fresh start. That’s what you do at this time of year.” When that is our largest motivation for our goals, we struggle to keep those as priorities and tend to not stay on track for very long.

Instead, try this: Firmly establish your “why” behind your goals. Explore goal options that you have a personal tie to, something that tugs at the inner part of you. Challenge yourself to find inner motivation toward your goals that goes beyond the specific time of the year. These goals will speak so much more to us and pull us toward action if we feel personally and emotionally connected to our “why” factor.
While the New Year is an excellent time to think about new beginnings, opportunities, and all the blessings God has for us, it doesn’t have to end around mid-February! We were made for more. Busting through the “myths” of goal-setting and employing techniques that aid in consistent growth and motivation have the power to give us the consistency that we crave. Now get ready, get set, get going! The Lord’s richest blessings on all you seek in His name.

Stay tuned,

 

“Stuck” vs. Redeemed

Do you ever have that far too familiar feeling of being stuck?

Ugh. Such an icky feeling.

It’s a feeling that grips you on such a deep level, even down to your very soul. I think of how often I can find myself falling into the glamorous trap of this feeling. The past week, I’ve been noticing that something just feels off. After work today, sitting on our balcony gulping in the fragrance of the fresh, cool air, lager in hand (because I can never recognize anything anywhere besides in the stillness), I found myself caught up in this very internal monologue:

“I just feel so stuck in everything right now”.

Sometimes, we get to a point where everything feels like a chore. Being social. Folding the laundry. Finishing the dishes that are piling up well beyond what is characteristic. Accepting physical touch. Looking in the mirror. Taking a shower. Being “on” at your place of employment. Doing what we enjoy. Showing affirmation to loved ones.

These are all “good” things. But when we dwell and sink into this “stuck” feeling, even the good things seem like a chore.

We find ourselves asking “what’s the point?” far more than we’d care to experience.

Call it depression. Call it overwhelm. Call it hopelessness. Whatever you call it, the theme remains the same: we tend to feel stuck in our own circumstances.

And without even realizing it, mediating on this mindset strips away all of our power to either a) do something about it, b) cope with it, or c) ask for help through it as we walk through the trenches.

So we isolate. We stuff it down. We wait for it to pass.

Why are we so afraid to identify this as feeling “stuck” and admit that we are there in our mind and heart? Why can’t we say this to others?

rsz_9vptnw84vgi-patryk-sobczak.jpg

I’m not downplaying suffering. Because it’s real. And it happens. But where’s gratitude in this mindset? We say “there’s not enough room for it”. However, that’s the only thing that tends to bring us out.

I had a woman in my office the other day. She says to me, “I’m down to a balance of negative 445 dollars in my bank account. But I have to keep going because my son, daughter, and husband need me to. I can’t let that rule me right now”.

We have a friend of ours that just lost her unborn baby. 8 months pregnant, and her baby was called home to heaven while still in her precious, life-preserving womb, with absolutely no warning. She still had to give birth. The grief is unimaginable.

I heard a story from a neighbor last night of how she was attacked by a dog. And her own dog jumped in the way of the attack, taking the pain and the gnashing in the place of her owner. What bravery and selflessness. From an animal who has never spoken a direct word to her owner.

The people God has placed me to walk with humble me. They ground me. They give me perspective.

We must saturate ourselves in the truth of our Lord’s life-giving, redemptive, gracious, and all-encompassing love and power that takes us beyond any circumstance we may be experiencing. 

I have to continually challenge and remind myself that God is ENOUGH for me. That He can do MORE than I ever can. And that is why my ultimate yardstick of “how am I doing” should be surrounding His grace and mercy rather than my circumstances.

Feeling down is okay. Feeling let down is normal. Brokenness is welcome. God understands that. He overcame that. He wraps you in grace through that. He cherishes your heart and mind in the midst of that.

Praise be to Him.

Stay tuned,

-AF

 

 

 

Myth-Busters: Goal-Setting Style-How Might I be Getting in My Own Way?

It’s that time of year again, folks—the nearing of the wrap-up of summer (bummers. Why did I have to go there, right?)! For many people, this time of year marks a time for a fresh start into fall, a “clean slate” for some, and the opportunity to make some changes in the days to come. But how often do we find ourselves extremely motivated and eager at the idea of this venture, but struggle to carry out these changes on a consistent basis, let alone for very long?

I call this the “idealism syndrome” (OK, so it’s not TRULY an official name, but let me explain!).

We tend to see this time of year in the way that I just described above. While this view is not false or negative, it does not take into account the HOW factor: how we will plan to maintain our new positive habits or new perspectives once the luster of the “new changes” wears off. We become giddy with idea of all the bright and shiny new habits we can begin to form, and we look at this time as a whole while setting monumental (and oftentimes overly lofty) goals for ourselves. And once the sparkle wears off, it can leave us feeling unmotivated and defeated. We’ve all seen this before—how great we are doing in the beginning! And then once the middle of October rolls around…we struggle, start to fall off of the “changes galore horse,” and lose sight of what we set out to do in the first place.

This happens because we can unintentionally set ourselves up for a few common mishaps:

  • Setting a goal without breaking down the steps of how we will go about achieving it
  • Setting large goals without breaking down smaller goal “milestones” in order to keep us on track
  • Seeing the “big picture” without seeing the various components of the “journey”
  • Using “fresh start to fall” time as the only time we set goals for ourselves (or even “New Year’s Resolution” time)
  • Not focusing enough on the “why” behind our goal

We tend to do these things without even realizing—because goal-setting is positive, right? What we tend to overlook is the fact that sometimes we set goals in which we actually inhibit ourselves instead of empower ourselves. Goal-setting is a tricky science, but luckily there are positive methods for goal-setting that have the power to empower,increasing the likelihood of sticking to goals, which makes change more likely to be successful.

Let’s bust through some of these goal-setting myths that tend to center around this time of year:

Setting a goal without breaking down the steps of how we will go about achieving it.This tends to happen when we become very excited around the kick-off to fall, but what we fail to do is further examine the HOW factor. While I’m definitely not knocking enthusiasm, the HOW is equally as important.

  • Instead, try this: Remember to ask yourself, “Do I know what it will take to work toward this goal? What other changes might I need to make as a result of this intended change? How will I fit creating these habits into my schedule?” It may be helpful to write these down as they are important factors of goal success! Remembering the HOW will aid the goal into coming into fruition.

Setting large goals without breaking down smaller goal “milestones” in order to keep us on track. While I agree with the statement that you need to have a clear idea of where you are going in order to be able to guide yourself toward your goal destination, when we forget to keep track of the mile-markers along the way, we sometimes veer off of our goal path and into a ditch of disaster! Focusing only on the end of the goal (or the completion state of the goal) will not be enough.

  • Instead, try this: Think of your goal-setting process as creating a roadmap. Just like on road trips, you have to plan to make those necessary stops along the way in addition to your final destination. Breaking down your goal destination into smaller steps helps your goal seem more manageable. It will also prompt action in order to reach smaller steps that compile into your goal. This method helps keep the motivation going, and gives you opportunities to celebrate the smaller successes in order to keep you on track and keep the motivation flowing (even when “new goals” hype wears off)!

success-roadmap.jpg

Seeing the “big picture” without seeing various components of the “journey.” This is very similar to the points above. When we only have our “end point” in sight, the journey or the smaller successes can be overlooked, and we tend to miss out on the enjoyment of working toward our goals.

  • Instead, try this: Don’t allow yourself to miss out on the blessings that are in the journey! While it is a wonderful feeling to accomplish the end stage of your goals, there is beauty in the transitions, the growth, and the journey. Allow yourself to embrace the steps along the way, and reflect on the changes you are not only seeing but feeling as a result of all your hard work. Don’t forget to praise yourself for the smaller victories!

Using “fresh start” time as the only time we set goals for ourselves. Out of all of these goal-setting myths, this one may be the most ironic. It passes under our radar because we view goal-setting in general as positive. However, when we center on kick-off to fall as the only (or most monumental) time for goal-setting, we place ourselves in a situation that is hard to live up to. In addition, once the hype wears off, so can our goal-work and motivation.

  • Instead, try this: Try making a habit of employing goal-setting at various times during the year. This can be on a monthly, or even weekly, basis. In this sense, we create a habit and (just as importantly) a mindset of goal-setting that can carry through the entire year. In utilizing this technique, we create more opportunities for success, constant reflection, and re-evaluation of our mindset and habits, along with opportunities to see our work pay off and our motivation to hold steady. Don’t be afraid to scale back the “big idea goals” to monthly goal guideposts in order to further prompt your growth and dedication!

Not focusing enough on the “why” behind our goal. It’s difficult to stay motivated, energized, and dedicated toward a cause unless we know the purpose behind our activity. We tend to make our main motivator behind setting fall goals as “Because it’s the moving into the new season! I want a fresh start. That’s what you do at this time of year.” When that is our largest motivation for our goals, we struggle to keep those as priorities and tend to not stay on track for very long.

  • Instead, try this: Firmly establish your “why” behind your goals. Explore goal options that you have a personal tie to, something that tugs at the inner part of you. Challenge yourself to find inner motivation toward your goals that goes beyond the specific time of the year. These goals will speak so much more to us and pull us toward action if we feel personally and emotionally connected to our “why” factor.

While the wrap of of summer is an excellent time to think about new beginnings, opportunities, and all the blessings God has for us, it doesn’t have to end around mid-October! We were made for more. Busting through the “myths” of goal-setting and employing techniques that aid in consistent growth and motivation have the power to give us the consistency that we crave. Now get ready, get set, get going! The Lord’s richest blessings on all you seek in His name.

Stay tuned,

-AF

When We Aren’t at “Our Best”

Sometimes, my mind goes to the most random places.

Like on my commute to work this morning, for example. I can’t even truly explain what the exact string of words and images were that got me on this thought, but there it was, bare and exposed in my mind:

  • “What if something happens to my husband on his drive to his meetings?”
  • “What if I don’t find out about it until hours later because I’m at work?”
  • “What if he gets hurt and they can’t identify who he is, and then I don’t find out for hours and HOURS later?”
  • “I can’t even remember what he was wearing this morning….And what if that’s what they ask me to identify him by when he is found hurt?”

oh my good GOODNESS!! What an absolutely turbulent and horrible place my mind decided to go to this morning as I was making my way down the highway to get to my ever-familiar place we dub “the office”.

That’s one of the ways my anxiety likes to spike within me: getting me on a train to rumination-station, allowing my mind to explore areas that have no reasonable grounding and get me all up in a tizzy.

Leading me to worry

Leading me to doubt.

Leading me to feel desperate.

However, what stuck out to me about this (even more than the “my mind is tail-spinning in a million directions and there is absolutely no reason to be thinking this way”) was the fact that I identified with not being able to recount what my husband was wearing this morning as he walked out the door for work.

Look at me, two posts ago writing about how important it is to be “eyeball to eyeball” with someone, and here I am unable to describe what my husband was wearing this morning.

This blog humbles me. I pray it humbles you, too.

What an absolute BLESSING of a man my spouse is. It pains me to say that I don’t think he has had me at “my best” the first few months of our marriage: tired, run down, sick a few times (why does this happen in summer?!), all that jazz.

Why do we feel the need to constantly apologize for not being at our “best”?

photo-1444401045234-4a2ab1f645c01.jpeg

I mean, isn’t that a natural part of life? Isn’t that one of the absolute realities of relationships and marriage, is that we can’t always be at our best, even for those we love the most? 

Instead of faulting ourselves for constantly not being “at our best”, can we embrace the unconditional nature of the love we are given by those who can see us at our worst and love us as if we are at our best?

For example, me not looking up at my husband for an entire morning to know what he is wearing because I’m running back and forth to the bathroom being sick, trying to get ready for work, and have the dog barking her head off at absolutely nothing?

(This is nowhere near my worst, by the way. Oh hunnies, stay tuned.)

What I’m trying to say is, yes we can recognize our shortcomings, yes we can aim to improve upon those, but do we constantly have to berate ourselves for not being “our best”?

broken-heart-lollipop

There is something truly healing about embracing our brokenness rather than feeling shamed by it. It truly can give someone the privilege of “going second” (words of wisdom), meaning, allowing them to be vulnerable as well through paving the path with your example that we, too, are encouraged to embrace the authenticity of brokenness.

Because we are human.

Because we can’t always be at our best. We won’t.

And thank God that we don’t have to be.

 

Stay tuned,

-AF

When to Say “No” to a “Good Thing”

Guys: One of my favorite words has got to become the word “no”.

In my more recent posts this month, you can see a theme in my struggle with the word “no” and how allowing myself permission to use this word generously has given me freedom in many areas of my life. One of the biggest things I am learning about myself is that I am the main person that backs myself into a corner. It’s so easy to blame work, life events, yada yada, but no: am the main person who tends to back myself into a corner by not exercising my right to say “no” as often as I should.

I’ve had people reach out to me telling me that they can relate to my love-hate relationship with the word “no”, and I feel so blessed to have ladies that walk along side me with a similar struggle so that we can look at each other eyeball to eyeball and say the most empowering phrase in the world: “Oh yeah? Me too.”

I think a certain commitment has been weighing on my heart and mind much more recently, where I am possibly struggling to accept the reality that it may be time to utilize a “no” and release myself from something I have been involved in for the last 3.5 years. While there are a few things that are holding me back from exercising this “no”, today I want to touch on some of the signs that may alert us to the fact that it is time to lovingly let something go through using the word “no”.

This helps us stay accountable in being good stewards of the time that God has entrusted (yes entrusted!) to us while truly living out our authentic truth. It also will save us from building resentment, depletion, and a strapped schedule.

shutterstock93426043.jpg

I’ve slowly come to learn to watch out for these warning signs when I am considering exercising a “no”:

You consistently dread said commitment. Now I know there are days in life where even a blessing can seem like a stressor, and we reallllllllly don’t want to engage, but I’m talking on a consistent basis here. For example, some days I just dread going to work. But once I’m there and have gotten going, I’m good! I truly LOVE my job, and it’s normal to struggle to engage some days. However, if the thought of engaging in said commitment consistently gives you a sinking feeling of dread-even if it’s a good thing-it may be time to consider exercising the much needed “no”.

You find your time more useful elsewhere. If I’m consistently saying to myself “I truly feel my time would better be used elsewhere”, I may not be engaging in the right commitment for myself at the time.

You don’t prioritize the time for it. Our priorities direct our goals, which guide our behavior, which decide how we organize our time. If I’m not actively and intentionally prioritizing the time for said commitment after I’ve examined that I DO have the time to devote to it, my heart may not truly be in it.

You simply need the time elsewhere. Similarly as I mentioned before, some seasons of life require our time to be dispersed a bit differently. And this is OKAY! It is okay to give ourselves permission to change our minds depending on the demands that we have at the time. We need to adapt as life challenges us to adapt. It’s okay to say “my time is needed elsewhere” and give yourself the freedom to invest in what needs investing.

You have a “passive attitude” while involved in the commitment. This is something I had noticed more recently while engaging in the commitment in consideration: I was starting to get very apathetic about the entire process-meaning I truly did not devote the energy to care how it went. It was at this time that I could tell my feeling toward this activity had shifted, as I was developing different priorities throughout the season I was growing through.

You aren’t getting your “baselines” met. This was something that became SUPER apparent to me when I needed to exercise some “no’s”: My baseline functions were suffering as a sign of too many “yes’s!” What I mean by that is this:

  • Is this activity cutting into sleep?
  • Is this cutting into your ability to consistently fuel your body with the nutrients and food it needs?
  • Is this activity interfering with your time to prioritize the Lord and listen to His voice?
  • Is this commitment adding too much pressure on your other roles in life-wife, friend, Christian, daughter, parent?

Baselines first. Everything else second.

You can’t define a concrete purpose for engaging in this activity. At this time, my purpose for engaging in said commitment has shifted from “investing in my passion and building community” to “because I’ve been doing it and am worried about upsetting others by leaving”. This is not an authentic reason to stick to something. People-pleasing will get us nowhere. We have to have a definitive purpose to engage in a “yes” vs. prohibiting ourselves from using a “no” when needed.

Whew.

This is NOT easy to do. Only when we empower ourselves to give ourselves permission to exercise a “no” can we truly live sustainable lives filled with balance. I should know-I spent WAY too long doing the opposite! And this still tends to be my ‘default setting’- I have to work very intentionally to live out this truth for myself.

Embrace “no”: it can be kind to you.

 

Stay tuned,

-AF

 

What God Cultivated in the Midst of Anxiety

What an isolating feeling anxiety can be. The best way that I can describe this feeling based on past experiences would be drowning in the chaos of my own internal making.

Looking back, I think what appeared as a “particular, energetic, always on the go, over-achiever, independent, rebellious, resistant against family, forges her own path” type of girl was influenced heavily on what would only be identified years later as an anxiety-based disorder. One that needed to be recognized, addressed, and wrestled with.

And thank God for that. Because I can remember. I can remember the point when it was at it’s worst.

I remember back to days in college where I would go some nights with 1-3 hours of sleep (purposefully) and deem myself “FINE”, waking up the next morning and would go straight for 20 hours from one thing to the next, never to blink an eye or feel that rush of fatigue until days later when I would crash.

I remember spending large amounts of money that I didn’t have in an effort to feel a sense of control over what I felt was spiraling out of my reach. I remember bounced checks. Empty checking accounts. Overdraft fees. Shame. I remember the sobering realization that this only spiraled ME out of control. 

I also remember not being able to stop.

I remember being on my hands and knees at 3am scrubbing the counters, bathrooms, and tabletops raw to release all the pent-up energy that I had inside, energy that craved to be released (but of course, only in a way that allowed me to have more control over my environment).

I remember gaining close to 90 pounds from constantly trying to “outrun” my anxiety through taking on commitment after commitment, pushing harder and harder to reach perfection, forsaking anything my body and mind needed, all to think that would give me the sense of peace that I was yearning to feel in the midst of this struggle.

I remember going months without speaking to my parents, because the thought of facing my mother and hearing her say that I wasn’t “measuring up” was more than I could bear. Even the thought of it made me sick.

I remember checking and rechecking the locks on the doors to my apartment, forcing myself to believe that the more I was able to secure them, the more in control of my environment I could be, prohibiting anything unforeseen from happening. I remember not allowing myself to sleep until I did.

I remember saying “yes” to everything in a selfish effort to please everyone else in my life as well as deem myself “capable and worthwhile”. How sick this looks to me now.

I remember racking my brain ragged with thoughts of how I could push further, do more, BE more in order to ease my restless mind and heart.

I remember turning my back away from God and feeling like I had to be the one to be my own solution, along with everyone else’s.

I remember how tired-my gosh, how TIRED-I was, day in and day out. And how hopeless and hard on myself this made me feel. How most days Senior year of college, I would sleep the morning away just trying to grasp on to some small sense of revitalization, only to miss 75% of my 9am classes sessions, and ultimately, not showing up for a final exam. Just didn’t show.

I remember cancelling plans with friends time after time after time because I felt like I just had nothing left in me to give.

I remember feeling like nothing I could ever do would ever be enough. Enough for who? Me? My family? Everyone? All of them?

static1.squarespace

I had to own this. I HAVE to own this. Because hints of this are still a part of me from time to time.

And how common this is. How truly common this is. I own this now not from a place of shame, but from a place of rawness, recognizing that in the midst of the battle (and from time to time, still on-going battle), God has been able to cultivate beauty even from this chaotic mess. I treasure these truths He has instilled, using my anxiety as a spokesperson in which He was able to speak to the inmost parts of me even when I wasn’t fully ready to listen:

Doing more does not MAKE you more. The world does not push us to believe this is true. God pushes us to believe this is true. It’s not about doing more to be more. Moving on to that next thing and revving up the hustle to achieve that sense of peace? Temporary. Not lasting. In fact, more draining than ever. My anxiety would drive me to be “go go GO” and I thought that was the solution. Slowing down has never felt so good.

Having anxiety does not mean you are a “weak Christian”. This took me a long time to wrap my head around. And I’ll be honest, I have heard loved ones who have told me “I can’t imagine ever feeling that way, I have my faith. You just need to pray more”. I even had a family member tell me this. How shaming that felt to me, without them even knowing. I had to accept that this was their lack of insight, and not the shame of who I was. While anxiety may always be a part of me, it does not fabricate itself from a place of “weak faith”. However, it can be a barrier to me engaging in the blessing of the ever-comforting presence of God, as well as the blessings he has placed around me. Faith is not the problem, but it is the solution. 

I have the capabilities to channel my anxiety in a healthy way. God has led me to encourage myself to use my anxiety to stay determined, organized, mindful, assertive, creative, and compassionate toward others who sing with the same battlesong I do. Do I do this daily? Not at all. Can I do this? Yes, through His strength.

You are not everyone’s solution. Period. Here more on my grappling with that here.

He is enough for me. I’d be lying if I said that I embraced this statement daily without hesitation, because that’s not real life. But I’m slowly coming to the conclusion that I don’t have to make it all happen; I merely need to step out in faith and listen to His voice as He calls me. No amount of striving, rushing, success, earthly love, family acceptance, financial security, physical health, and even my own goals will compare to what He has to offer me in Him. I’m so convicted in this.

No amount of striving, rushing, success, earthly love, family acceptance, financial security, physical health, and even my own goals will compare to what He has to offer me in Him.

Let’s keep each other accountable in this. You are not alone. You are made for MORE.

157406042

So in an extremely counter-intuitive way (because that’s how life tends to work), I thank God for my anxiety. Because while I felt that it stripped and took so much away from me in some seasons of life, it was able to cultivate so much in me. HE was able to cultivate so much in me.

So while anxiety is still very much a part of me, I still feel liberated. I still feel more than it. I still believe He is more than it.

And I embrace that.

Stay tuned,

-AF